What Am I Doing Here?

“Your chances of success in any undertaking can always be measured by your belief in yourself.”

Robert Collier, American Motivational Author (1885-1950)

I’m a smart girl; there is no doubt about that. The transition from high school to college has been lot harder than I would have thought it to be. Don’t get me wrong, I was not expecting the transition to be a cake walk. But now that we are about a month into the first semester I start to wonder if this is really where I want to be and what I want to do with the rest of my life. It’s a lot of pressure being here at Concordia University. They hold their students on a pedestal and expect us to act accordingly. I like that, but I guess the stress levels have finally hit the high point in my life.

At my high school and throughout my entire life the adults around me always stressed being professional and specific. So that’s what I have been basing my decisions upon. And as I go through my classes here, I feel everyone else has had the same experiences. I don’t want to play the blame game and express what I really think about the topic of being a specific professional from the get-go. I do want to know what I am really doing here. I have been doing agricultural studies all of my life, mostly because I live on a farm and that’s what I am very accustomed to doing (also because I absolutely loved the teacher).But I never had the inkling to become a Veterinarian or really anything else in the agricultural. Yet I feel an attachment to it. But again, I love to help people, and I thought the medical field was going to be for me! I can withstand all the grossness that might come with it and I am intellectual. Perfect right?

Do I really know what I want to do with my life? Well the answer to that question today is no, I don’t know what I am doing here. I feel very overwhelmed and unsure of what I really want to do with my life. In some respects, I wish I would have had these feelings before I got to this state of mind. I am so very unsure what I want to do its kind of ridiculous. I don’t want to feel like a dummy in my classes and I really want to be happy. But I don’t think I really understood what I was dipping my fingers into until I finally got burned. But on any other day, the good ones that is, I am confident. Ready for whatever Concordia of Wisconsin wants to throw at me. I am invincible and really ready for being an Athletic Trainer. Like yesterday in class we were practicing special tests of the knee and I was just acing them. I could do it like a pro and nobody could make me feel any better or worse about my choice to be in the AT program.   

So here comes the real argument for you whom are reading this post: is declaring a major good for a freshman in college to do? Even if you are darned sure that’s what you want to for the rest of your adult life? Is it right for a freshman to be lost in the idea of “for the rest of your life”?

Looking back now, I was very confident in my decisions that I had made. I don’t think that they were bad ones either. I’m in a good institution, with good professors and good peers. But I feel choosing a major is too much for a student of high school age going into college to think about. The moving away from mommy and daddy and your family may be hard, but being independent in itself it a burden that is hard to handle. And you live in a new environment completely, have new people and new food (which trust me, is hard to get used to) around you is another category of stress in itself. So I think that colleges should stress more for incoming freshman to be undecided. Also, I think that colleges should have a freshman “experiences” program to explore more personally what you really want to do with your life. I think that there would be less confused and lost freshman and in general more confidence in the young people who will be running the world someday. Changing majors is put off as not a big deal. But it is, at least to me. I don’t want to feel lost, I want to know what is going on and I don’t want to play catch-up. It’s been said that college students change their major 2-4 times before they find what they really want to do. Is it that demanding to know what I’m getting into before I commit? 

               

Relationships

Relationships are such a funny thing. I mean one day they can be going really well, the next it can be all gone.

Human nature is also a complicated thing. Values, truth, complications, morals, failure, success,love, hate

- it all plays a role.

My roommate is going through a rock and a hard place right now. Her rock is her best (guy) friend, and not to get into details- they have been fighting for the past week about something that had come up just upon a question unanswered, a question of love. Now I'm sure we are quick to play the blame game and sure, maybe it is only one person's fault. But who really cares? Well they do of course.

Humans in general, I have come to notice, go along with their lives happy and without complain. But as soon as something goes wrong, all hell breaks loose. And if it is something that strikes close to the heart, all hell might as well of cooled down a few degrees. So thinking to myself the other day, I realized that relationships are a huge part of our lives, and we don't even know it. We wake up one day and realize we have surrounded ourselves with relationships, whether it's a mental, physical or social relationship.

I took the time to count all of the relationships that I currently have in my life. Well, actually I gave up counting. Relationships between people can be short sweet and too the point, or they can grow into full blown companionship. I mean look at it- try counting the relationships your in. Friends, family, that guy you see at the diner every time you order your morning coffee. Everyone is connected to somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody. I do believe that is why Facebook and eHarmony and mySPACE work so well.

But going deeper, how did you get these relationships? Looking on my past, how do we learn to trust our mothers,fathers,sisters and brothers? How is it that I've been friends with these people for so long? But the most surprising one to me was the relationship I officially have with my Quaterhorse-Arabian Paint, Dapper.

When my mother told me that I had been given the colt that her uncle had previously owned, I was one thrilled 7 year old. This yearling was a beautiful, chestnut but mostly white paint that had spirit and spunk that could have knocked you out of this world. And I HATED HIM. He was naughty, I couldn't do anything with him and I just hated bringing him anywhere. Mostly because I had this steady Quarterhorse named Skip. But Skip had to be put down two weeks before my county fair, and sure enough, Dapper was my alternate/backup "ride". That fair was awful-worst fair of my life. But this past county fair, the 2009 Sheboygan County Fair, I had the best time of life. It was a great summer- Dapper and I had clicked for the first time and we were actually placing in our classes. He had become my dream horse and the most perfect thing I had ever seen.

And now that I am living on the campus of Concordia, I miss him lots. I have realised  that in the past 12 years of his and my life, I had created this friendship that I cannot even put into a definition. I think what he thinks, he thinks what I think- we click. I never thought I could miss a single thing more than his breath on my face or the feel of his tensed up and in the air shoulders before a full out run through the fields. This relationship just happened, and I have no way of explaining it.

To me, that is why human beings get so hyped up about relationships. They cannot be controlled nor can they be forced. It happens. Some people cannot except that fact and try to do it by themselves and end up generally alone. But those who just go with the flow of it all end up being actually happy and feel achieved with who they are... not afraid of what might come next.


And for my roommate who might end up reading this.-

                                                                          

"Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you.  They are not perfect but are always perfect for you."  ~Author Unknown

Hidden and Open Wounds

Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody. 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12

Just recently I had lost my uncle Gerry to cancer. I miss him alot and sometimes I really just feel like calling his phone and letting him know how school is going. Really, that's all I want to do. He was the one perosn I knew would give me the right answer to my problems and I know he wouldnt want me to be upset. He is probably in heaven right now shaking his head like he always did at me. I can hear him laughing at me jokingly like I have done something really rediculous adn Jojo-like.But this man wasnt just the one person I looked to for advice. My father(his brother) and my Brother have lost their ROCK and partner in the farming. Not to mention the field-buddy and Jason and my second-father. Its hard to see the strongest men you know cry for the other strongest man I know.

 As Gerry only lived down the road from us our whole live, we as a family had gotten used to him allways being there. I will never forget the countless boxes of cookies he baked and brought down because "I;m not supposed to eat these and I know you like them." But really we know he wanted to be in out lives. And Im really happy we loved him and we were loved back with such passion. This man was the perfect example of the verse above, 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12. He was a quiet worker, and loved the land with all his might. Struggling with his constant knee, joint and other pains along with the recent battle with cancer, Gerry would literally come home from the hospital and mow his lawn ( untill I insited that I could do it).

Durring the funeral service, I realized how my uncle was such an influence to outsiders and to his family. He quite literally worked  to win the respect of outsiders and so that he wouldnot be dependent on anybody. And this bachelor was very independant. People I bearly knew, and the people I have known all my life were weaping for his memories in there mind were so fresh. It may have been the fact that we had only known of his cancer for three months, but I am certain it was because of my uncle's loving personality adn willingness to follow the Lord. I will forever miss him, love him and care for him.

And like the words of the last time I had seen him, may they ring true someday;
" I will see you later Uncle Gerry."

My First Blog...

So I've never even heard of this "blogging" thing until class last week. And here I am writing aimlessly on one! I guess I can talk about what's on my mind right now at 8:30 am, but I really am too tired and worried about getting the rest of my homework done (darn human anat and phys!). But now that I figured out how to work this darned thing, I am better able to fulfill my teacher's request of one blog per week about whatever comes to mind. But for now, all that is coming to mind is the story he wants me to read, my human anat and phys quiz and homework and how much I miss my uncle whom I lost last week Thursday, and whose funeral I attended yesterday (which has created all this homework to be done right now than before). SO... I am going to go do those things and be back to write again, hopefully not so aimlessly!